Sunday Morning Music: Rhye

Homelessness Defined

"Why were you homeless?"
"It just got to a point where my mom couldn't maintain anymore. The sad part was that it was during high school. So I had to keep it a secret. Cause, you know, it's high school."

 

I was photographed by the photographer that runs Humans of New York a couple of day ago. It all happened very randomly, I was waking down the street and this very tall man asked to take my photo. After asking me a couple of questions we parted ways. After the photo appeared on FB It got me thinking about what homelessness meant to me..

 

This is my definition of homeless. Homeless doesn't always mean a person is living on the street, but that defiantly the outcome sometimes. Fact: when I was homeless as a teen it only meant that I was living in a temp apt. Rent couldn't be paid so we went to a shelter that placed us there. But that was because I was with my mom and brother...family's get better services, and they get them much faster. 

But back to my defining homeless. Homelessness is like spending Christmas or your bday alone...homelessness means your unloved. Homelessness is the most intense form of loneliness that exist. It makes you feel other, for it is the dirtiest secret you will ever have. It is also the most painful one to carry around. 

Recently I was having a lovely chat with my therapist. We were talking about the me today...and he said with 1part interest and 2 parts amusement "it seems like because of being homeless as a child...you will probably be homeless a couple of times as an a adult" 

If that isn't other then I don't know what is...

A Message From An Introvert

A couple of summers ago I wrote a piece that I name something like "how to survive summer concerts in the park...the introverts way". It was a very silly piece I wrote on how I survive going to concerts alone. It was also the first time I had identified as an introvert. But though I had, I still didn't know what that meant besides being around large groups of people drained me.

Today I still don't feel like an expert in the matter, but I have more concrete thoughts on the matter. I admit I'm still developing the positive side of this whole thing at those times I view my introverts as thinkers, as dreamers, as quiet doers.

At negative times I feel like I'm destined to always have to pretend to be "happy". (I put happiness in quotes b/c I think it is subjective, and people show there happiness in different ways.) As an introvert though I always feel like I have to defend myself against extroverts. Extroverts wear there happiness right up front and always tend to be...put off by my "quiet joy". I've been told that I'm "bringing moral down"or that I'm boring when I'm not whooping it up in the middle of a party. When the actual truth is that I'm quiet b/c I don't have anything of importance to say at that moment. The truth is sometimes I DO like to whoop it up, but sometimes I like to be on the out skirts of the party observing it.

Times like these hurt, bad. They send confusing messages to my brain and heart. In my head I know there's nothing wrong with me, but in my heart at those negative times, I feel like I've done something wrong simply for being myself. My heart tends to win out over my head a lot so I wind up putting in extra effort so that people can see and hopefully believe that I am happy for once. This pretending is something I spent a lot of time doing in HS. It leaves me feeling more and more empty and drained every time I do it. I feel like I'm lying to people I care about. And what's worst I feel like they could careless. What they see is that I'm "happy", I'm the social butterfly that they love. They don't try to see beyond that.

So here's my message to Extroverts: Always remember, there are different ways of being social and showing happiness.

I'll leave you, for now, with a quote from Susan Cain: "In my family reading was the primary group activity. This might sound anti-social to you, but to us it was just a different way of being social. You have the animal warmth of your family sitting right next to you, but your also free to go roaming around the adventure land inside your own mind."

Campaign for L'atelier de la Petite Dame: The Power of $5

Hello there,

One thing I had to work on while creating this campaign was "perks". These are things that create incentives for people to give. My perks range from $5-$25. So I wanted break it down to see if these perks would help me reach my goal. And here's what I found out:

Why yes I have been called analytical before, but there you have it. If 366 friends gave $5 I can reach my goal!

 

It seems simple enough to me. But I'll put it another way. When I started college I also started drinking coffee, from Starbucks no less. I didn't just get a regular coffee with cream and sugar though. I got a white chocolate mocha with a pump of peppermint and soy milk. I would get a tall or grande depending on how tired I was, but either way I was spending about $4.50- $5.50 everyday! I didn't think this was a problem until one day I sat down and realized I was spending about $50 per week on coffee alone(one cup wasn't always enough). Since then I've stopped drinking coffee, but I know alot of people that drink it, alot. Just the other day my boss came in with a venti sized coffee from Starbucks and only drank half of it.

 

So I would ask this, instead of getting a larger coffee, or instead of getting a second(or third) take that $5 and invest it towards helping me further my dream.

 Don't forget to like and share the campaign page!

 

A la Prochaine!

#28 Day Challenge

"I want to feel like a contender."

I read this post tonight. After reading her story I finally had a word to describe what happened to me. With every paragraph I read I said "I can totally relate". And the more I thought about it, it's happened to me more then I realized before.  I was assaulted.  So I wanted to share my story:

A friend of mine invited me to her friends birthday party in Queens. I said sure, but on the night of I was very tired. I went with her anyway because I said I would. I'd just like to say Queens is dumb far away and there's no point going there on the weekend. We got to the party and I was having an okay time considering I knew no one. I have a rule if I'm not surrounded by friends and very close to home, no hard drinking. So I got a beer and sipped it like it was fine wine.
As the evening went on a couple of guys came in and one in particular caught my attention right away. I was interested. He was interested. We spent some time talking and getting to know each other. He seemed totally fine to me at first sight/convo. But I love watching how people interact with other's when they think your not watching. So I watch how he spoke to my friend, and was very shocked to hear that she liked him, when he was being totally disrespectful. I then notice him refill his cup once, twice, and then again (later I would find out that he had been drinking since earlier in that day). And then he's words started to slur. And then he started to invade my personal space, he wouldn't stop touching me. He start touch me on my arms, then my knees, then my thighs. I kept telling him no and to stop and removing his hand, finally I moved away from him, and he presided to followed me.
At this point I told my friend I was ready to go home because this guy was making me uncomfortable. Before I could tell her what was going on she dismissed it and told me to be nice. I was hurt but I didn't want to make a seen and I knew she was having fun so I tried to be nice....
To make a long story short(er) this guy winds up kissing me full on the mouth. Then followed me out of the party onto a train all the way into Brooklyn.

 After this happened to me I placed all of the blame on myself. I told myself it was my fault because I went out. It was my fault because I didn't leave right away. It was my fault because I showed interest in him. But this isn't the first time where I've been assaulted. And what would warrant being followed home from Manhattan into Brooklyn, the being called a Bitch when I said I wasn't giving out my number.? What would make a guy grab my ass on a crowded train in such a sly way that I wasn't even sure it happened? I can go on, but my point is what I've learned is that no matter what you dress like someone is always going to try and make you feel less. Some one is always going to try and find a way to make it seem like you are asking for it.

And that's where this challenge comes in. I'm 24 and I have never been more then 98lbs. And though I feel like I'm perfect, and gorgeous *whips hair I don't like feeling weak. I may never be able to tear the next fools limbs off his body, but I want to feel like I can do some damage. I want to feel like a contender. So I'm starting small steps to get me there. Step One: 28 days  of working out 3 times per week for 15mins.

I'd love for some company on this journey. I'd also love to here from anyone that can relate to these stories. Mine and hers.

Campaign for L'atelier de la Petite Dame Summer Pop-Up

Hello all,

So if you follow L'atelier de la Petite Dame's FB page then you already know that I was working a fundraiser in preparation of this summers pop-up shop. Well the time is here!! Yesterday the campaign went live. It took alot of planning and even more writing, but I'm very happy with it. This campaign is very important to me and this business. This small step will get me closer to fulling my dreams of becoming self-employed.

I'm trying to raise $1000. $500 goes towards a Pro membership at 3rd Ward, and $500 goes towards classes and material fees. I can't stress how important this campaign is to me. This small step leads me one step closer in following my dreams in becoming self-employed. Here's how you can help: A donation of any value is greatly appreciated! But helping doesn't stop there. After you've donated take another minute and share the campaign with you friends and family. I made a video breaking down how I have 366 friends on Facebook and what it would mean if the donated $5. Don't just share once, statistics show that you have to reach out 7 times before people are moved to act.

Here is a short video describing all there is to know about the campaign:

Go check out the campaign page for more info, and don't forget to donate and share!

A la Prochaine!

Finding Home #4: A Safe Place

When I first started this post it was all about how everybody hates me. I felt abandoned by alot of my close friends. Then I saw something on Instagram stating something along the lines of, " I asked god to get rid of my enemies, and I started losing friends." At that moment all of that hurt went flyng out the window. Now I'm not saying I was surrounded by enemies, but I do believe that not everyone in our lives are meant to stay forever.

There was this passage that I think comes from a Tyler Perry film, comparing friends to different parts of a tree. Some people are like the leaves when the wind blows they disappear. Some people are like the branches of a tree, and can seem safer until you take a step out on to a thin one and it breaks underneath you. But some people are like the roots of a tree. Sturdy and strong, those are the people you should hold on too. Those are the ones you can always count on.

I also think you should be one of those people in your own life that's like a root. In my own experience if I can be a safe place for myself I can be a much better safe place, or root, for others.

A Note About Writing

I've never felt like I was a writer. I'm a reader and by default I think that makes me a fair writer. I think I have a distinct voice and style. Like every writer I have things that I want to get better at. I have a bad habit of reading what I think is there instead of what's actually there. I can be a horrendous speller, and I've never mastered the whole there vs. their battle. More then once, I've been re-reading a old an old post of mine and have found an error. The last thing(I'm sure I'll find more things later) I want to fix is recently I'm finding my writing to be thin.

So moving forward I'm going to try and attack these problems two ways: first I'm going to write something everyday. second I'm going to start reading slower. I'm a speed reader, always have been...I like to get to the endings as quickly as possible. thirdly I'm going to crack open one of my old college English books. I'm sure I have one that specifically talks about grammar.

If anyone else has any ideas on what I can do to become a better writer leave them in the comments below.

A la Prochaine!

Latelier de la Petite Dame Holiday Pop-Up Shop 2012!

Hello all!

L'atelier de la Petite Dame's Holiday Pop Up has been a success so far. There is just one week left to grab a bracelet or ring hand crafted by me! From now until January 13th enter "bye-baby" at check out to receive 30% off your purchase. There is nothing like the joy, and sense of accomplishment that comes with seeing your dream come to fruition. The start of this new endeavor hasn't been easy, but there is nothing like having your own.

Words can't describe how excited I am about the future of this business! The shop is going away for the rest of the Winter, but will be back in the Spring. Not only will we be back but we will have new product too. I'm also hoping to have a lookbook for the summer!

That's everything for now, as always for daily updates be sure to check in on here and on the FB.

A la prochaine!

2012 in Review

This year....I was full. That's the best way I can describe everything that I felt. I felt things deeper then usual this year, but was able to still think, and focus, and maintain my sanity(for the most part). Which honestly is something that I've struggled with. Feeling things deeply has always left me feeling unhinged.

 

As this year comes to an end I feel quite nervous. There are so many things that I HAVE to accomplish this year. I'm going to do what I always do when trying to keep myself on task and make daily list. But to keep track of the little things I'm going to do a little "jar project" that I found online.

 

Instead of waiting until the end of the year, I plan on reading through the little notes 3 times. At the end of April, August, and December(nye). I'm really excited about this new project because I overlook all of the great things that happen to me all the time. I hope to use this project to continuously remind myself that:

 

"A Single Sunbeam Is Enough To Drive Away Many Shadows "- St. Francis of Assisi

Sunday Morning Music: Allen Stone

Finding Home #3: Borrowed + Found

My "home" right now is in a blocked off part of somebodies living room. I have made it beautiful with borrowed and found pieces of furniture. I have made a small coffee table by covering a plastic bin with cloth and placing the top part of a broken wooden door on top. On that table there is a terrarium I made myself, along side a cacti plant. There are vases with dried flowers in them, and glass jars filled with a water to hold floating tea lights. Behind that are my clothes, hung on a clothing rack. To the right is a big mirror on top of a trunk that my mom passed on to me. In front of the mirror are two small statues that I love so much, Buddha and Ganesha. Continuing to the right of the room there's a small cabinet that holds my folded clothes. Then there's me on a couch. From that couch I stare out two windows that face a building.

 

This is my home...and when its quiet, with just me in it, it is safe.....safe as kittens.

Keep a Poem in Your Pocket #2

That moment when you read something and it resonates so deeply inside of you that it warms you to your core..

 

“We can stick anything into the fog
and make it look like a ghost
but tonight
let us not become tragedies.
We are not funeral homes
with propane tanks in our windows,
lookin’ like cemeteries.
Cemeteries are just the Earth’s way of not letting go.
Let go.

Tonight
let’s turn our silly wrists so far backwards
the razor blades in our pencil tips
can’t get a good angle on all that beauty inside.
Step into this
with your airplane parts.
Move forward
and repeat after me with your heart:

“I no longer need you to fuck me as hard as I hated myself.”

Make love to me
like you know I am better
than the worst thing I ever did.
Go slow.
I’m new to this.
But I have seen nearly every city from a rooftop
without jumping.
I have realized

that the moon
did not have to be full for us to love it,
that we are not tragedies
stranded here beneath it,
that if my heart
really broke
every time I fell from love
I’d be able to offer you confetti by now.

But hearts don’t break,
y’all,
they bruise and get better.
We were never tragedies.
We were emergencies.
You call 9 – 1 – 1.
Tell them I’m having a fantastic time.

”

—	“We Were Emergencies,” Buddy Wakefield (via tumblr)

Keep a Poem in Your Pocket

I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul....

I find myself saying those words in my head over and over again.

I can get trapped in my head thinking I can't change anything about my circumstances.

But really that's the farthest thing from the truth.

It is true that I can't change people, but I have total control over ME.

I have total control over my environment.

I have total control over how I think, how I feel, and how I let people make me feel.

If there's something I don't like then its up to me to make/be the change to something better.

 

Invictus

 

"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul."

Sunday Morning Music: Mumford & Sons

I was first captured by how expressive this mans face is, and yes how got damn handsome he is! I kept watching to see how....happy he seemed to feel. The sense of touch is a powerful thing.

We Are Not In Control..

That's what I learned from hurricane Sandy. My mother and younger brother had barely been in there apt for a full month. They had moved to Far Rockaway. I was so happy/excited for them, and I couldn't wait to visit them and watch the sun set over the beach!

And then came Sandy. They where actually in the apt about to fall asleep when the water came rushing in. They grabbed what they could and ran up to the neighbors on the second floor. A father with an 18 month old little girl. As the day/night went on the had to walk through waist high water to the third floor before the where evacuated. They were put into a school with hundreds of other people who had lost everything.

With everything that going on I'm having some trouble trying to figure out how when I'll be able to open my Pop-up shop for L'atelier de la Petite Dame. Trying to think or worry on it seems silly. Some people have real problems. Some people lost everything but there lives....and some don't even have that any more. The only thing that we can do is plan for the best, and the worst, then roll with what ever nature throws at you.

Finding Home # 2: Safe and Sound

I finished my last post with a question. "What does "home" mean to you?"

Home is being free

to be nude

to be happy

to be sad

to be angry.

Home is knowing you'll be able to sleep with out fear or interuption.

Home is that feeling that you get when you walk through your front door.

Home is knowing your safe

to be yourself,

to feel whatever it is you were putting off feeling when you weren't home.

Home is....wide and tall, and small and cozy.

This is what home means to me.

L'atelier de la Petite Dame: Up Coming Events!

Hello all!

 

There are a couple of events that I'll be attending.

 

The 38TH Annual Atlantic Antic street festival on Sunday September 30th. The Atlantic Antic is a living tribute to the myriad of heritages that coexist in Brooklyn. Spanning four neighborhoods from Hicks Street to Fourth Avenue, the Antic is the largest street festival in New York City! From start to finish, Atlantic Avenue is transformed into a sea of entertainment offering something for everyone. I'll be at the Biddies and Blokes Second Hand Garb Booth (located between Bond and Nevins street)!

 

On Saturday October 6th, I'll be heading to Philly for the American Dreaming Pop-up Mall.

I'm so excited. I have some new product that I'll be unveiling at these events so come on out and show your support!!

 

A la prochaine!

New Project: Finding Home

"Home is a feeling, not a place."

 

    Have you ever met a world traveler? Someone whose travelled there whole life? Someone who feels like the road is home? Did you ever notice that they never seem out of place? How they seem to be able to set up camp anywhere, and be perfectly settled and at home.

 

   Do you know anyone who lives on there bare necessities/ How many times have you thought they where crazy? Or that maybe its okay for them, but you could never do it? Have you ever noticed how much happier they seem from everyone else you know....from you?

 

I've never felt that safe feeling that comes with being at home. Most times I'll be at out and counting the minutes until I can get home. But once I get there all I want to do is run back out the door. I can never figure out why I wanted to be in this place, or why it's called home. It could actually be anywhere. It's like...I'm always tittering on the edge of belonging.

 

"Home is a feeling, not a place."

 

This is my quest to find that feeling called home.

Something to think about...

If you didn't know what failure was what would you do? 

How many times have you really wanted to do something, but backed out at the last minute due to fear that you wouldn't be any good at it? That you would probably fuck up, and everybody would know that you failed? I do this. I do it more often then I'd like to. Fear of failure is a self imposed tool to make you fail. No one is going to say you failed because you tried. And think of all the new things you could learn by taking a chance.

I'm taking a chance. I want to live my dream. I want to give back. I want to wake up every morning and be excited about the things I do. I want to find my joy, I want to find my freedom. I can't do any of these things carrying around a whole mess of self doubt. Neither can you.