A Message From An Introvert

A couple of summers ago I wrote a piece that I name something like "how to survive summer concerts in the park...the introverts way". It was a very silly piece I wrote on how I survive going to concerts alone. It was also the first time I had identified as an introvert. But though I had, I still didn't know what that meant besides being around large groups of people drained me.

Today I still don't feel like an expert in the matter, but I have more concrete thoughts on the matter. I admit I'm still developing the positive side of this whole thing at those times I view my introverts as thinkers, as dreamers, as quiet doers.

At negative times I feel like I'm destined to always have to pretend to be "happy". (I put happiness in quotes b/c I think it is subjective, and people show there happiness in different ways.) As an introvert though I always feel like I have to defend myself against extroverts. Extroverts wear there happiness right up front and always tend to be...put off by my "quiet joy". I've been told that I'm "bringing moral down"or that I'm boring when I'm not whooping it up in the middle of a party. When the actual truth is that I'm quiet b/c I don't have anything of importance to say at that moment. The truth is sometimes I DO like to whoop it up, but sometimes I like to be on the out skirts of the party observing it.

Times like these hurt, bad. They send confusing messages to my brain and heart. In my head I know there's nothing wrong with me, but in my heart at those negative times, I feel like I've done something wrong simply for being myself. My heart tends to win out over my head a lot so I wind up putting in extra effort so that people can see and hopefully believe that I am happy for once. This pretending is something I spent a lot of time doing in HS. It leaves me feeling more and more empty and drained every time I do it. I feel like I'm lying to people I care about. And what's worst I feel like they could careless. What they see is that I'm "happy", I'm the social butterfly that they love. They don't try to see beyond that.

So here's my message to Extroverts: Always remember, there are different ways of being social and showing happiness.

I'll leave you, for now, with a quote from Susan Cain: "In my family reading was the primary group activity. This might sound anti-social to you, but to us it was just a different way of being social. You have the animal warmth of your family sitting right next to you, but your also free to go roaming around the adventure land inside your own mind."

My Thoughts on Sharing

I tend to hate sharing my feeling with people. I tend to not reach out to people in times of need.... It tends to make me very uncomfortable when I share something that's...shitty but normal(honestly)for me, that's been going on. I don't like hearing that there sorry for me. I don't like to knowing that I made them feel that way.

Here's why. I believe with every convo and every interaction we have with others we leave a piece of ourselves with them and visa versa. You know that feeling you get when your telling a friend about your bad day? It's like laying down after being on your feet all day. It's like placing very heavy bags down after carrying them for blocks. I don't like placing that onto people. Now don't get me wrong I am a listener. I love people talking to me about there problems and there solutions. Because I know talking helps. But I also know that I worry about them and I also know how that feeling of wanting to help but being helpless feels like, and I don't feel comfortable being that burden on others.

But I'm coming to realize that some people are strong enough to handle it. Some people will. And you CAN'T keep it in. You have to get it out. You have to share it.

Campaign for L'atelier de la Petite Dame: The Power of $5

Hello there,

One thing I had to work on while creating this campaign was "perks". These are things that create incentives for people to give. My perks range from $5-$25. So I wanted break it down to see if these perks would help me reach my goal. And here's what I found out:

Why yes I have been called analytical before, but there you have it. If 366 friends gave $5 I can reach my goal!

 

It seems simple enough to me. But I'll put it another way. When I started college I also started drinking coffee, from Starbucks no less. I didn't just get a regular coffee with cream and sugar though. I got a white chocolate mocha with a pump of peppermint and soy milk. I would get a tall or grande depending on how tired I was, but either way I was spending about $4.50- $5.50 everyday! I didn't think this was a problem until one day I sat down and realized I was spending about $50 per week on coffee alone(one cup wasn't always enough). Since then I've stopped drinking coffee, but I know alot of people that drink it, alot. Just the other day my boss came in with a venti sized coffee from Starbucks and only drank half of it.

 

So I would ask this, instead of getting a larger coffee, or instead of getting a second(or third) take that $5 and invest it towards helping me further my dream.

 Don't forget to like and share the campaign page!

 

A la Prochaine!

New Project Alert! (...and Free!)

Hi all,

I wanted to tell you guys about a new (and free) project that I'm taking part of. It's called Letters to Your Childhood. Its a project I found out about from stalking the Sketchbook Project. If you guuys remember I tried to do it a couple of years ago but didn't complete it. I've found that smaller projects suite me best. To participate all you have to do is by Jan 22nd, and get them your letter to you yonger self, via tweet or email by the 30th.

So I'm going to do this project and share whatI come up with here, ofcourse. Let me know if any of you sign up as well!

A la Prochaine!

2012 in Review

This year....I was full. That's the best way I can describe everything that I felt. I felt things deeper then usual this year, but was able to still think, and focus, and maintain my sanity(for the most part). Which honestly is something that I've struggled with. Feeling things deeply has always left me feeling unhinged.

 

As this year comes to an end I feel quite nervous. There are so many things that I HAVE to accomplish this year. I'm going to do what I always do when trying to keep myself on task and make daily list. But to keep track of the little things I'm going to do a little "jar project" that I found online.

 

Instead of waiting until the end of the year, I plan on reading through the little notes 3 times. At the end of April, August, and December(nye). I'm really excited about this new project because I overlook all of the great things that happen to me all the time. I hope to use this project to continuously remind myself that:

 

"A Single Sunbeam Is Enough To Drive Away Many Shadows "- St. Francis of Assisi

Keep a Poem in your Pocket: Marty McConnell

“because this is what you do. get up.
blame the liquor for the heaviness. call in late
to work. go to the couch because the bed
is too empty. watch people scream about love
on Jerry Springer. count the ways
it could be worse. it could be last week
when the missing got so big
you wrote him a letter
and sent it. it could be yesterday, no work
to go to, whole day looming.
it could be last month
or the month before, when you still
thought maybe. still carried plans
around with you like talismans.
you could have kissed him last night.
could have gone home with him, given in,
cried after, softly, face to the wall, his heavy arm
around you, hand on your stomach, rubbing.
shower. remember your body. water
hotter than you can stand. sit
on the shower floor. the word
devastated ringing the tub. buildings
collapsed into themselves. ribs
caving toward the spine. recite
the strongest poem you know. a spell
against the lonely that gets you
in crowds and on three hours’ sleep.
wonder where the gods are now.
get up. because death is not
an alternative. because this is what you do.
air like soup, move. door, hallway, room.
pants, socks, shoes. sweater. coat. cold.
wish you were a bird. remember you
are not you, now. you are you
a year from now. how does that
woman walk? she is not sick or sad.
doesn’t even remember today.
has been to Europe. what song
is she humming? now. right now.
that’s it.”

—	“Survival poem #17,” Marty McConnell (via tumblr)

Keep a Poem in Your Pocket #2

That moment when you read something and it resonates so deeply inside of you that it warms you to your core..

 

“We can stick anything into the fog
and make it look like a ghost
but tonight
let us not become tragedies.
We are not funeral homes
with propane tanks in our windows,
lookin’ like cemeteries.
Cemeteries are just the Earth’s way of not letting go.
Let go.

Tonight
let’s turn our silly wrists so far backwards
the razor blades in our pencil tips
can’t get a good angle on all that beauty inside.
Step into this
with your airplane parts.
Move forward
and repeat after me with your heart:

“I no longer need you to fuck me as hard as I hated myself.”

Make love to me
like you know I am better
than the worst thing I ever did.
Go slow.
I’m new to this.
But I have seen nearly every city from a rooftop
without jumping.
I have realized

that the moon
did not have to be full for us to love it,
that we are not tragedies
stranded here beneath it,
that if my heart
really broke
every time I fell from love
I’d be able to offer you confetti by now.

But hearts don’t break,
y’all,
they bruise and get better.
We were never tragedies.
We were emergencies.
You call 9 – 1 – 1.
Tell them I’m having a fantastic time.

”

—	“We Were Emergencies,” Buddy Wakefield (via tumblr)

Keep a Poem in Your Pocket

I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul....

I find myself saying those words in my head over and over again.

I can get trapped in my head thinking I can't change anything about my circumstances.

But really that's the farthest thing from the truth.

It is true that I can't change people, but I have total control over ME.

I have total control over my environment.

I have total control over how I think, how I feel, and how I let people make me feel.

If there's something I don't like then its up to me to make/be the change to something better.

 

Invictus

 

"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul."

New Project: Finding Home

"Home is a feeling, not a place."

 

    Have you ever met a world traveler? Someone whose travelled there whole life? Someone who feels like the road is home? Did you ever notice that they never seem out of place? How they seem to be able to set up camp anywhere, and be perfectly settled and at home.

 

   Do you know anyone who lives on there bare necessities/ How many times have you thought they where crazy? Or that maybe its okay for them, but you could never do it? Have you ever noticed how much happier they seem from everyone else you know....from you?

 

I've never felt that safe feeling that comes with being at home. Most times I'll be at out and counting the minutes until I can get home. But once I get there all I want to do is run back out the door. I can never figure out why I wanted to be in this place, or why it's called home. It could actually be anywhere. It's like...I'm always tittering on the edge of belonging.

 

"Home is a feeling, not a place."

 

This is my quest to find that feeling called home.

Something to think about...

If you didn't know what failure was what would you do? 

How many times have you really wanted to do something, but backed out at the last minute due to fear that you wouldn't be any good at it? That you would probably fuck up, and everybody would know that you failed? I do this. I do it more often then I'd like to. Fear of failure is a self imposed tool to make you fail. No one is going to say you failed because you tried. And think of all the new things you could learn by taking a chance.

I'm taking a chance. I want to live my dream. I want to give back. I want to wake up every morning and be excited about the things I do. I want to find my joy, I want to find my freedom. I can't do any of these things carrying around a whole mess of self doubt. Neither can you.

Words to Live By

"If you don't build your dream, someone will hire you to build theirs"

Every time I'm thinking about giving up because it seems so hard. Every time I think I'm to tired, too un-skilled...etc etc etc. I think of these words, and they always put things into perspective for me.

Noche de Lluvia, San Salvador

Rain who nails the earth,
whose infinite legs
nail the earth, whose silver faces
touch my faces, I marry you. & open all the windows of my house
to hear your feral versions of si sisi
          si
                  si
        si

Twelve Things You Were Not Taught in School About Creative Thinking

1. You are (by default) creative.
2. Creative thinking takes work.
3. You must go through the motions of being creative.
4. Your brain is not a computer.
5. There is no one right answer.
6. Never stop with your first good idea.
7. Expect the experts to be negative.
8. Trust your instincts.
9. There is no such thing as failure.
10. You do not see things as they are; you see them as you are.
11. Always approach a problem on its own terms.
12. Learn to think unconventionally.

Found.

A la prochaine!

All the Dreams in the World..

Found right here.

A la Prochaine!

"Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow..."

"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the same well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can this be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain"....."When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy"..."Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed."

From The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran

When I first read this it didn't ring true to me. How can joy and sorrow be "inseparable"?  A couple of days ago I was intensely happy, but before the day had ended I was intensely sad. When I sat and thought about it I realized that even when I was happy that sadness was still there, and vise versa. What this quote means to me is something I've always known. When you are sad happiness isn't far away(and vise versa).

A la prochaine!

I am euphoric! Come join me.

Have you ever been so happy that you actually can feel it flowing freely down through your fingers and toes? Do you feel it pulsing through your chest? Do you sit with it, eyes closed, just rolling it back and forth?

Have you ever sat and wondered why? And when you finally figure out that it had nothing to do with anyone else. Does the shook of it thrill you? That this feeling came from within with no outside help... I love that! The best type of happiness comes from within  and ohh how is last and last!

I can feel it in my fingers and toes. I am euphoric!
A la prochaine!

"and your very flesh shall be a great poem..."

"This is what you shall do:

Love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches,

give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy,

devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God,

 have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, 

re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book,

dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem

and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body."

 — Walt Whitman from Leaves of Grass

A la Prochaine!

Documentary of the Day

My Quest For Peace Of Mind - Part 1: Growing Up from Ethan Luck on Vimeo.

My Quest For Peace Of Mind | Part 2: Medication from Ethan Luck on Vimeo.

As you may/may not have noticed I really like documentaries! If you know anyone that has a mental disorder then you know how...terrifying it can be to feel when you think they won't be treated fairly because there different. It's always a pleasant surprise when you see someone over look that and take the time to get to know them as individual. I think this documentary is about compassion.

I'd like to thank Allister Ann for posting this and for Ethan Luck for creating them.

A la prochaine!

Just a little reminder.

I opened up a new perfume that I had wanted to buy for a year, but hadn't because my funds had never allowed it. Finally I was able to, and I found this simple message inside. Lovely!

A la prochaine!

Artist Talk: Why do I do it anyway?

I started doing these monthly interviews in December 2010. I had wanted to interview artists for a while, but I was too chicken to try. Then I was interviewed for the first time and my desire started to out way my chicken heart. The questions I ask are things I always wonder when I meet artists.

I always wonder what do you call yourself? As I'm always struggling to define myself before someone else does and gets it all wrong. How do you create(inspiration)? Because aren't we always looking for new forms of inspiration? Why do you do it? Personally I think the hardest thing to call yourself is an artist. There isn't always a clear career path(or so you may be led to believe). Your art isn't always valued the way you want it to be.

I've switched my "title" from aspiring photographer, to aspiring Art Therapist, and now to aspiring Art Educator/Director. Every time I find opposition from someone along the way. I've taken more then one "break" where I'd given up and didn't think I wanted to be an artist. Just to have art creep back in to my life and save my sanity! This is way I do it and I've always wondered if art is a need for others like it is for me.

So the questions I ask are just questions I've wanted to ask my artist friends(and there friends, and there friends friends). So I would like to take the time to say thank you to everyone that's interviewed with me so far. And a thank you to the people that I will interview!

A la prochaine!