A Message From An Introvert

A couple of summers ago I wrote a piece that I name something like "how to survive summer concerts in the park...the introverts way". It was a very silly piece I wrote on how I survive going to concerts alone. It was also the first time I had identified as an introvert. But though I had, I still didn't know what that meant besides being around large groups of people drained me.

Today I still don't feel like an expert in the matter, but I have more concrete thoughts on the matter. I admit I'm still developing the positive side of this whole thing at those times I view my introverts as thinkers, as dreamers, as quiet doers.

At negative times I feel like I'm destined to always have to pretend to be "happy". (I put happiness in quotes b/c I think it is subjective, and people show there happiness in different ways.) As an introvert though I always feel like I have to defend myself against extroverts. Extroverts wear there happiness right up front and always tend to be...put off by my "quiet joy". I've been told that I'm "bringing moral down"or that I'm boring when I'm not whooping it up in the middle of a party. When the actual truth is that I'm quiet b/c I don't have anything of importance to say at that moment. The truth is sometimes I DO like to whoop it up, but sometimes I like to be on the out skirts of the party observing it.

Times like these hurt, bad. They send confusing messages to my brain and heart. In my head I know there's nothing wrong with me, but in my heart at those negative times, I feel like I've done something wrong simply for being myself. My heart tends to win out over my head a lot so I wind up putting in extra effort so that people can see and hopefully believe that I am happy for once. This pretending is something I spent a lot of time doing in HS. It leaves me feeling more and more empty and drained every time I do it. I feel like I'm lying to people I care about. And what's worst I feel like they could careless. What they see is that I'm "happy", I'm the social butterfly that they love. They don't try to see beyond that.

So here's my message to Extroverts: Always remember, there are different ways of being social and showing happiness.

I'll leave you, for now, with a quote from Susan Cain: "In my family reading was the primary group activity. This might sound anti-social to you, but to us it was just a different way of being social. You have the animal warmth of your family sitting right next to you, but your also free to go roaming around the adventure land inside your own mind."

Lesson Learned

"When people show you there true colors, believe them."

People like nice people.
People take advantage of nice people.
You can't be mad at any but yourself when someone takes advantage of your kindness. I think the quote is by Maya Angelou.

Seize the Day

"Did you do something today, that put you closer to where you want to be?"

I have this quote written on a post-it and stuck on the wall in front of me. Anytime my eyes wander from what they should be focused on they land on it. I read it at least once a day, it makes me feel good when I can say yes. If you just keep pushing forward, keep putting one foot in front of the other, you'll be OK. I'm a firm believer in the saying "slow and steady wins the race"

Today I got a job after being unemployed and since May. I was worried about how I was going to help pay the bills and how I was going to stay in school. Its temporary but its a step forward!

A quote I found....

"the heart asks pleasure first and then, excuse from pain- and then, those
little anodynes that deaden suffering"

-e. dickinson

Survival

"...and existence becomes a grinding effort, guided by belly hunger.."

Have you ever felt like your living just to survive? I've been taking pictures, trying to spark that of hope, of happiness I felt for a second back in September. Working on a roll of black and white film, its taking a min though I hope to be done with it by today.
My mother came home one day with not just one but TWO kittens!! I'm not really a cat person. I'd rather a dog, but there really cute I got to name one and I've never had kittens before so a different outlook is expected.
Did I mention that there both boys and basically identical
The one I named is the sleeping kitten August. I had just finished watching August Rush and its now my favorite movie!! The other kitten my mother named Busy, but she spells it differently, because he's always doing something!!!

*the quote is from the book "Black Like Me" by John Howard Griffin

I hope this doesn't become the story of my life

Through my life I've had a lot of boys (that like to call themselves men but that's another post) that were almost my boyfriend. Now I'm only 20 and I'm very bad when it comes to relationships(though I long to be in one, I'm never really comfortable when I'm in them) my mother says my communication skills are shitty I just think she doesn't listen(again another post). Its true what they say when your Not looking for love is when It finds you....or lake thereof. I was happily single sometime ago when I started talking to this "man". I call him a man because of his age(25) but the way he acted got him those " ". Now right away I told him I wasn't looking to be in a relationship, there stressful in my opinion, and we agreed to keep things light. People, aka bitches, didn't want us together anyways(I should have said fuck it when I realized then).

Now why did he ask me a couple of weeks later to be his girl??? Of course my answer was no. His reply to that was "fine I'm willing to wait around for what I want" Me "and what do you want" Him "a relationship...I like how I feel when I'm with you" Me "ummm" I mean I did like being in his company to. Sometime after this convo people started telling me to my face that they didn't want us together...I couldn't figure out why though...then one day he says its because of my mother.WTF! I should have realized then because this was his people saying this BS. But I didn't so I shouldn't have been surprised when he started acting stupid.

When I didn't pick up my phone right away he would whine. When I was to tired to hang out with him until 3am he would bitch. I should have left him alone then but now I wanted to be in a relationship with him. For some odd reason I thought I needed him. And I told him so, I also told him I felt he was being a jerk for bitching and moaning when I couldn't be with him every night until 3am, he agreed and we said we would give "us" a try. Then two days later he's saying it wont work but we can still be "friends" though. Little did I know that us being friends(In his mind) meant he was still allowed to put his head up my shirt and in between my legs anytime he wanted.

And I let him.......but the pleasure was temporary. He continued being a ass and I said Fuck it. I see now that he just wasn't good for me but it wasn't he is fault I let him treat me the way he did. He should me many times who he was, I didn't like what I saw but stayed with him anyway

There's this saying saying me Maya Angelou it goes something like "If someone shows you there true colors, believe them" Lesson learned.

The side of my bestfriends face

“All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think is what we become.”
Buddha