This is Almost 25
I've been talking to my family a lot lately. This is new for me. And I'm not all the way comfortable with the idea. They've been telling me how proud they are of me. It's awesome to hear that, problem is I don't really believe it.
I brought this new year in, not dancing like I'd hoped, but sitting alone at home. I've had 3 panic attacks this month alone. And unfortunately I don't think I'm rid of them yet. I feel so messy. I feel so weak. I feel so unsure. I feel like I'm on the cusp of greatness, but I don't know how much longer my I can survive on will power alone.
When I moved out of my moms home just shy of 24. I thought I was free. Looking back now I see I was far from it. And how far I still am before I will get there...I've been depending a lot in my family these first few months of the year.
I've fallen deeply in love with what my body can do. I've fallen even further in love with my face.
I'm finally figure out what it is that I want to do with the rest of my life.
I'm at a point in my life where I want to invest my time in some one. Physically and emotionally. But sometimes I feel like an emotional liability. Who would want to invest in me?.. What do I have to offer but my heart? How can my heart be good enough if that all I have? After 25 year this is what I've learned:
- no one wants to hear the un-pleasantries. No one really wants to know why your sad, or angry, hurting, or hurting yourself even...the unpleasant things should be kept to self...this isn't the time or place, and it never will be.
- in the middle of the night, when everything seems impossible and your wondering whom you can call...that person you do call won't be the right one.
- there's something to be said about intuition
- it truly is best to listen not to people's words...but there actions.
And then spring came...
I feel warm to my core. I feel smarter. I feel like I'm shredding the layers of...shit that holding me back in the winter. I feel sexy every got damn day. I feel strong and I can't wait until I'm stronger.
I love my face. I love how a simple thing like doing my eyebrows can brighten my whole face up. I love that I can wear vampire red lipstick and not look trashy. I love my body..no really I LOVE it! I love every single thing that it does. I love that its mine and I decide what happens too/with it. I love my shape, it says women, it says life, it says creator, it says sexy. It says all those things and more in 97lbs.
A la prochaine!