This is Almost 25

Back in 2007 when I started this blog it was a place that I shared everything that I wrote. I shared alot of secret thoughts on here. I did it freely, and with out judgment of self. I acknowledged that was just where I was at in the moments when I wrote...whatever. In February of this year I started randomly writing about almost being 25. I wrote freely. I didn't worry that in some places I got stuck... I wrote like my life depended on it. So in keeping with how I started I wanted to start sharing like that again. So....

This is Almost 25

February

I've been talking to my family a lot lately. This is new for me. And I'm not all the way comfortable with the idea. They've been telling me how proud they are of me. It's awesome to hear that, problem is I don't really believe it. 

I brought this new year in, not dancing like I'd hoped, but sitting alone at home. I've had 3 panic attacks this month alone. And unfortunately I don't think I'm rid of them yet. I feel so messy. I feel so weak. I feel so unsure. I feel like I'm on the cusp of greatness, but I don't know how much longer my I can survive on will power alone. 

March

When I moved out of my moms home just shy of 24. I thought I was free. Looking back now I see I was far from it. And how far I still am before I will get there...I've been depending a lot in my family these first few months of the year.

I've fallen deeply in love with what my body can do. I've fallen even further in love with my face. 

I'm finally figure out what it is that I want to do with the rest of my life. 

April

I'm at a point in my life where I want to invest my time in some one. Physically and emotionally. But sometimes I feel like an emotional liability. Who would want to invest in me?.. What do I have to offer but my heart? How can my heart be good enough if that all I have? After 25 year this is what I've learned:

• no one wants to hear the un-pleasantries. No one really wants to know why your sad, or angry, hurting, or hurting yourself even...the unpleasant things should be kept to self...this isn't the time or place, and it never will be. 
• in the middle of the night, when everything seems impossible and your wondering whom you can call...that person you do call won't be the right one. 
• there's something to be said about intuition
• it truly is best to listen not to people's words...but there actions. 

And then spring came...

 I feel warm to my core. I feel smarter. I feel like I'm shredding the layers of...shit that holding me back in the winter. I feel sexy every got damn day. I feel strong and I can't wait until I'm stronger. 

May

I love my face. I love how a simple thing like doing my eyebrows can brighten my whole face up. I love that I can wear vampire red lipstick and not look trashy. I love my body..no really I LOVE it! I love every single thing that it does. I love that its mine and I decide what happens too/with it.  I love my shape, it says women, it says life, it says creator, it says sexy. It says all those things and more in 97lbs.  

 

A la prochaine!

Homelessness Defined

"Why were you homeless?"
"It just got to a point where my mom couldn't maintain anymore. The sad part was that it was during high school. So I had to keep it a secret. Cause, you know, it's high school."

 

I was photographed by the photographer that runs Humans of New York a couple of day ago. It all happened very randomly, I was waking down the street and this very tall man asked to take my photo. After asking me a couple of questions we parted ways. After the photo appeared on FB It got me thinking about what homelessness meant to me..

 

This is my definition of homeless. Homeless doesn't always mean a person is living on the street, but that defiantly the outcome sometimes. Fact: when I was homeless as a teen it only meant that I was living in a temp apt. Rent couldn't be paid so we went to a shelter that placed us there. But that was because I was with my mom and brother...family's get better services, and they get them much faster. 

But back to my defining homeless. Homelessness is like spending Christmas or your bday alone...homelessness means your unloved. Homelessness is the most intense form of loneliness that exist. It makes you feel other, for it is the dirtiest secret you will ever have. It is also the most painful one to carry around. 

Recently I was having a lovely chat with my therapist. We were talking about the me today...and he said with 1part interest and 2 parts amusement "it seems like because of being homeless as a child...you will probably be homeless a couple of times as an a adult" 

If that isn't other then I don't know what is...

Sunday Morning Music: Jamale Davis Group Featuring Johnny Oneil

 

My friend performed at Smalls Jazz Club a couple of nights ago. I wasn't able to go make it, but I did get to watch the show online. Smalls shows a live stream of there shows, so I was happy to be there in spirit.

A Message From An Introvert

A couple of summers ago I wrote a piece that I name something like "how to survive summer concerts in the park...the introverts way". It was a very silly piece I wrote on how I survive going to concerts alone. It was also the first time I had identified as an introvert. But though I had, I still didn't know what that meant besides being around large groups of people drained me.

Today I still don't feel like an expert in the matter, but I have more concrete thoughts on the matter. I admit I'm still developing the positive side of this whole thing at those times I view my introverts as thinkers, as dreamers, as quiet doers.

At negative times I feel like I'm destined to always have to pretend to be "happy". (I put happiness in quotes b/c I think it is subjective, and people show there happiness in different ways.) As an introvert though I always feel like I have to defend myself against extroverts. Extroverts wear there happiness right up front and always tend to be...put off by my "quiet joy". I've been told that I'm "bringing moral down"or that I'm boring when I'm not whooping it up in the middle of a party. When the actual truth is that I'm quiet b/c I don't have anything of importance to say at that moment. The truth is sometimes I DO like to whoop it up, but sometimes I like to be on the out skirts of the party observing it.

Times like these hurt, bad. They send confusing messages to my brain and heart. In my head I know there's nothing wrong with me, but in my heart at those negative times, I feel like I've done something wrong simply for being myself. My heart tends to win out over my head a lot so I wind up putting in extra effort so that people can see and hopefully believe that I am happy for once. This pretending is something I spent a lot of time doing in HS. It leaves me feeling more and more empty and drained every time I do it. I feel like I'm lying to people I care about. And what's worst I feel like they could careless. What they see is that I'm "happy", I'm the social butterfly that they love. They don't try to see beyond that.

So here's my message to Extroverts: Always remember, there are different ways of being social and showing happiness.

I'll leave you, for now, with a quote from Susan Cain: "In my family reading was the primary group activity. This might sound anti-social to you, but to us it was just a different way of being social. You have the animal warmth of your family sitting right next to you, but your also free to go roaming around the adventure land inside your own mind."

My Thoughts on Sharing

I tend to hate sharing my feeling with people. I tend to not reach out to people in times of need.... It tends to make me very uncomfortable when I share something that's...shitty but normal(honestly)for me, that's been going on. I don't like hearing that there sorry for me. I don't like to knowing that I made them feel that way.

Here's why. I believe with every convo and every interaction we have with others we leave a piece of ourselves with them and visa versa. You know that feeling you get when your telling a friend about your bad day? It's like laying down after being on your feet all day. It's like placing very heavy bags down after carrying them for blocks. I don't like placing that onto people. Now don't get me wrong I am a listener. I love people talking to me about there problems and there solutions. Because I know talking helps. But I also know that I worry about them and I also know how that feeling of wanting to help but being helpless feels like, and I don't feel comfortable being that burden on others.

But I'm coming to realize that some people are strong enough to handle it. Some people will. And you CAN'T keep it in. You have to get it out. You have to share it.