Sleep Don't Come Easy

These last couple of day here in NY have been mind numbingly hot! All I've been able to do is sit in bed, read, and sweat. I finished two of the books on that list, and since I'm trying to make the list last the summer I'm now re-reading Harry Potter #5.

Today was nice(I didn't sweat at all! WOOT!) and I got some stuff done for my hair. Did I mention that I turned my tumblr blog into a natural hair blog....no? Well check it out here! I'm getting into the habit of making things for my hair instead of buying them. I might have a mini business by the end of the summer.

Now about that portfolio I need to be doing. I'm ashamed to say I haven't worked on it since last Sunday when I went to Dumbo BK(view pictures in last post). I'm confined to my house because right now I literally can't afford to go anywhere, and I find it very hard to get inspired to do anything art wise at home. My home isn't inspiring. Ah well I know my success lies in my hands and that feels good to say! If I don't succeed it will only be my fault.

This turned out to be a rambling post. This is what happens when your clock gets turned around because of the humidity. Sleep deprivation at its lowest.

Job Hunting While Poor(and Black)

Have you ever felt like being young and talented is pointless? (especially while black...I'm just saying) I have been unemployed since this summer. I had to borrow money (for metro cards) just to get to school. The money I received is was only ever enough for 2 months of school, I figured I'd have a job before I hit the 2 month mark. There was a job expo at my school today. The perfect opportunity to find some kind of job besides fast food joints. I don't own a lot of formal wear, but I figured as long as I was clean and put together I'd be OK.

I worn a nice cashmere sweater, a pair of pants(not jeans!) and the only other shoes I have, besides my dirty smelly sneakers, my converses. Two people said I wasn't exactly dress the "right" way and my resume and personality would have to make up for it. Which always has and will so I was OK with that. I finally get to the door of the expo after waiting an hour and cutting class and they turn me away! I try to explain my situation and I'm cut off with a cold "I'm sorry".

So here's my question how come I have to wear pants with a matching blazer, a crisp white button down shirt and a pair of pumps, before I can even get the chance to compete in the "real" "professional'" world? How am I expected to afford "professional" wear if I'm not allowed the chance to compete? They wouldn't let me into the expo because my pants looked like jeans at first glance(supposedly) and because of my foot wear.

A lot of times I've spoken to people or they've seen me work ,not of my race, and a look of surprise comes over there face. A condescending smirk. I used to think it was because I very quite in certain situations. Most of the time I'm just going over what I'm going to say and do to the last detail. But now I wonder, were those smirks because of the clothes I wear or my skin color. To be honest I always thought it was because of my skin color but I was OK with that. Mostly because I know who I am and what I am capable of.

I reached a new personal low today. Somehow I was able to hold thee tears back until I got out of the school. I sat on a random step on a corner and cried ducking my head anytime someone would pass me.

3:45am

you know when your tired but can't sleep. when you want to talk to someone, no that someone, but you haven't heard from them in days and your not going to be the first one to make the first move. you know when you hungry but don't want to eat the little bit of food you actually do have in your house, in because you don't know when you'll have this much food again. you know. you know.


so do you know?

He raises hell on a daily basis, but there is no way I can resist that face.

And Life Goes On.....

...................

me.


questions.


feelings.


misunderstood.


uncreative.


sad.

angry.


lonely.


happy.


guilty.


frustrated.


but through all this I still feel a little hopeful.


i'm thinking about doing film photography


i'm finding hard to create.....

the type of photo's I want with my digital camera


film photo's fit my mood more......................

And Life Goes On.......

Dealing With Loss

is hard.
October 1st I found out a girl I worked with was murdered.
Saying that she was murdered still feels like somethings punching me in my stomach. She was such a good kid. She was only a kid.
I've seen and dealt with lost before but this hurts like nothing I've ever felt. I think its because she was only 16 and I had just saw her a couple of days before....
I was Very disappointed in my "friends"....I felt like when I needed them the most of lot of people were no where to be found. I haven't picked up my camera in a week(which feels like forever too me) I just haven't felt like it. No worries though I'll bounce back...I feel like I am all ready!