Pussy.

Survival

"...and existence becomes a grinding effort, guided by belly hunger.."

Have you ever felt like your living just to survive? I've been taking pictures, trying to spark that of hope, of happiness I felt for a second back in September. Working on a roll of black and white film, its taking a min though I hope to be done with it by today.
My mother came home one day with not just one but TWO kittens!! I'm not really a cat person. I'd rather a dog, but there really cute I got to name one and I've never had kittens before so a different outlook is expected.
Did I mention that there both boys and basically identical
The one I named is the sleeping kitten August. I had just finished watching August Rush and its now my favorite movie!! The other kitten my mother named Busy, but she spells it differently, because he's always doing something!!!

*the quote is from the book "Black Like Me" by John Howard Griffin

Here I am, just living Life

Little brothers and there friends. =D

I'm going to pick up some batteries and some black & white film for my cameras today.

Then movies with Courtney.

I found out a friend of mine lost her mother to cancer on Friday, I now know why she didn't pick up her phone when I called her.
I'm not good with death...really I never now what to say

I have lost 2 people to cancer myself.....

When Shannon died....

it made me think about how I want to be remember

I won't remember how she was murdered...

I'll remember the little boy that said she was like a mother to him.

I'll remember how she lived and hope I can accomplish the things she did in the short time she was here with us.

Peace Netchem

Random Thoughts

I wanna take pictures in the snow
I wanna laugh until I'm crying
I wanna smile for no reason
I wanna feel inspired all the time
I wanna make art that moves people, that changes people
I wanna be something greater then my surroundings



I wanna be HAPPY!

Yesterday.

I'm starting to understand what it means to feel inspired. Really it only takes one person to believe in you to get back on track. Thank You Louis Mendes.

Halloween '08

I had to work this Halloween, which is the only way I went out side because I don't like this holiday, I found out that there are some really cool people at my job!

These are polaroids....idk why they scanned this way though.

It Rained Alot Yesterday

News.

This is the first photo and only photo I've developed is a darkroom. I'm hoping to get back to this very soon!!! I got my printer/scanner, Woot Woot, so be on the look out for the polaroids I've been taking. I would like to take alot more but it cost SO much to buy the film. Its $15.99 at B&H which is also the cheapest place to buy it thaat I know of, but you only get 10 photo's in a pack. =/

Wow. So amazing!

I wonder if the boys that are in the video above knew that they would one day end up in a music video for Missy Elliot. Do what you love!!!!!

Change.

fighting to be the change I want to see in this world...."I find it's only in my dreams That I can change the world..."

New Photography coming soon!

Art Makes Me Happy Photographs!

Courtney finally e-mailed me the Polaroids. Slow heifer! =)

I like how these came out I'm going to buy some more film before they stop making it. =( I also need printer/scanner so I can upload the film photo's I plan on taking. I 've been taking photo's with my Fisheye camera. We'll see how they turn out.....hopefully Courtney will scan some more pictures for me! :smiles:

Peace

IDK What To Say.

What a way to wake up! Here I am on a Thursday morning When Mrs. Hussy sent me a link to go watch a video. I went and was angered that she sent me some to go see and hear something this terrible! All the while this heifer is "sing" she's walking around getting ready for something...and OMG this big...you know what hops on the table....Can we have a moment of silence for that table....because it died trying to hold her up! But hell it got its revenge in the end!!!

Video found HERE!

Thought I'd share.....

Got this from Here.

Mr. Bean

Art Makes Me Happy!

I've decided I need more art in my life.
I attended the Annual Gowanus Artists Studio Tour this weekend with my love Courtney, who doesn't know it but is now my exhibit/gallery/museum buddy =D, and Totally loved it!! There were so many different artists and so many different forms of art. Like one studio would have photography but another would have painting or drawing or ceramics the list is endless! It featured 150 Brooklyn artists at 28 locations and in just two days. It was Great! Stupendous even!
Seeing all the art(in so many different mediums) has left me wanting more. More chances to meet artists and view the passion. More chances to be inspired to try something different. On that note I mentioned, in the last post, that I want to start taking film photography again. I don't have a decent film camera right know but I do have one of those Polaroid instant film cameras and Fish Eye camera which is more like a toy but I'm going to try and make it work. I haven't had the chance to take or print any pictures from it and I've had it for a while. I'm gonna try and get them scanned after I print them so I can share them. Oh and the Polaroids I took this weekend are being scanned by Courtney so.....soon soon.

Peace.

And Life Goes On.....

...................

me.


questions.


feelings.


misunderstood.


uncreative.


sad.

angry.


lonely.


happy.


guilty.


frustrated.


but through all this I still feel a little hopeful.


i'm thinking about doing film photography


i'm finding hard to create.....

the type of photo's I want with my digital camera


film photo's fit my mood more......................

And Life Goes On.......

Dealing With Loss

is hard.
October 1st I found out a girl I worked with was murdered.
Saying that she was murdered still feels like somethings punching me in my stomach. She was such a good kid. She was only a kid.
I've seen and dealt with lost before but this hurts like nothing I've ever felt. I think its because she was only 16 and I had just saw her a couple of days before....
I was Very disappointed in my "friends"....I felt like when I needed them the most of lot of people were no where to be found. I haven't picked up my camera in a week(which feels like forever too me) I just haven't felt like it. No worries though I'll bounce back...I feel like I am all ready!

Did I mention

that I'm more happy know then ever before? I took my first ever yoga class here last Sunday(first class outside of my bedroom anyway). It was fun...left my muscle aching..but I liked the work out and hope to keep it up!! Now that its winter I'm no longer doing yoga in my house. We don't get good heat. =/ This is an old photo. I just got a new job(Yay) so as soon as I get into the flow of it I'll have more time to take (and edit) more photo's.

Happiness..revisited

Happiness.
I suffered from depression when I was younger.

It kept me from graduating on time.

Even when I did I was never really happy.....I had moments were I was happy then a second later I would be sad again. Recently I find myself smiling for no reason. I honestly don't feel I have anything to be happy about but I am.

I'm Happy. For the first time in a while!

A while ago I had started a photo project called "The Pursuit". It was inspired by the movie "The Pursuit of Happiness" with Will Smith. It was very moving..like seriously I had a hard time not crying! I plan on continuing my pursuit so that I never loss sight of my happiness. In a years time I'm going to have my first exhibit!! Watch me!

I would love to keep everybody close to me but some people are just toxic and I can't. "Sometimes you've got to love people-- even your family from a distance."

True Story.

I watched a man "shoot up" today.
I watched as he sat on a crate, and as he scratched at his arm I knew exactly what he was doing.
I watched as he took off his shoes and slowly his head stared to nod, until his neck seemed unable to support it..and it finally fell on to his chest.
All the while I was watching him I felt sorry for him
I wondered what drove him to do this in the first place and why he just didn't stop.
He looked so lonely and broken sitting on the corner by him self.
That's what I think drugs do to a person......they break you and drive the people that care about you away...until your all alone.

The sad thing is this isn't my first time seeing somebody "shoot up" or get high.....and I have a feeling that it won't be my last.

True Story.

Peace.

9/11

Do you remember where you were when the towers fell?
Do you remember how people changed the way they treated other people?
It terrible that it took something so terrible to make people think about there actions.

My sympathy goes out to all that has lost someone on 9/11.


Peace.

Wednesday.

So today started out good...
I was happy because I was going to see a friend of mine from my school
....a guy friend that I kinda have a crush on....:shrugs:
we hung out for a while went to 34th street after he got out of class.....then he had to work so I didn't get to spend that much time with him.
I have the bad habit of building people up in my head and when there not what I though they'd be.......I get disappointed and tend to lose interest in the person....I'm trying Very hard not to do that with him......
I like were his head is at.

Well after we separated I went to go see the bestie at her job, then made my way to 14th street.
On the way I had a slice of pizza for $1, which was yummy, I saw this two girls eating each others faces (a new experience) lol, I finally made it to 14th street went to Strand books and brought "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran. A very good book go buy it....or borrow it from the library.

That's all for know.

Peace.

Another Sunday.

Hello all

So the photo below would be my second tattoo.

It says Remember Love in Arabic.

I chose these words so that I never forget that there is love is this world.

Even if I don't always feel or see it...

its out there....hiding but waiting to be found....

I got this work of art done at a place called third eye tattoo...

Brain Wren was my tattoo artist

He's good people check him out here.

More Photography Please.

Thoughtful

So what’s been going on?

I’m going through a very tuff time right now
It seems like I can only stay happy for a couple of hours before I remember all the shit that’s keeping me down. For one thing I would love to be in school right now but because of my mother I can’t be. A friend of mine asked me wasn’t I relieved to have some time off, to which I answered her Hell no! If the decision had been mine to not go back to school for a semester then fine, but I can’t go back because of something my mother didn’t do makes me highly upset!! I look around at all the people in my life and I feel like a failure….either they have some kind of degree already or there in school and all I’m doing is sitting on my ass. In September I will be out of one of my jobs. Until I find a new one I’m going be taking as many photo’s as possible! Photography has always been my way of cooping with my depression.

Random photo's I found in my computer just when I was thinking about giving up the one thing I love. Seriously photography is one of the best things I can do. Moving on. I found a new book that I love thanks to my friend Here (insert note: I find it funny that I call this girl my friend when we've never meet face to face....we've never even talked on that phone we've only comunicated via the computer.....aww the internet lol :end note)

Any way check out here blogger.

Ohh and the book. Its called The Alchemist. Read it!!!!

Sunday.

Today.
All I wanted to do was relax.
Its Sunday.
I was gonna rest and eat and rest some more.

That was until my mother decided to call me a piece of shit.
Now I'm sitting here in tears wondering what do I do...
If I think about it..she has called me worse
And I would ignore her...but this comment hurt...
........because it came from my mother.

Music=Life

I don't think Theophilus London is that new. I wish I had taken those photo's there sexy!! =) Check him out here and he's also going to be performing at the Sept. 2008 Goldmine Fasion Show (the event I was the photographer for there March show)

Click here for the fashion show info. I'm going this year too!

Mood: thoughtful...

Somethings I've had on my heart.

• I really don't know how to explain the thoughts and feelings I've been feeling over the summer. I've been SO confused about certain people and certain situation, all the while searching for peace of mind within myself.....
• I realized this weekend that I have to live for me. For so long I out others before myself to make them happy and then was upset when they didn't do the same for me.
• Its come to my attention just how hard it is for the black women. Through watching the things my moms has to go through and the things I see and go through myself.
• When your being asked to sacrifice, look first at what there sacrificing for you. Then ask your self how much Can you sacrifice for this person. Because some peopl just aren't worth it!

Soul Music

"Ready For Love"

I am ready for love

Why are you hiding from me

I'd quickly give my freedom

To be held in your captivity

I am ready for love

All of the joy and the pain

And all the time that it takes

Just to stay in your good grace

Lately I've been thinking

Maybe you're not ready for me

Maybe you think I need to learn maturity

They say watch what you ask for

Cause you might receive

But if you ask me tomorrow I'll say the same thing

I am ready for love

Would you please lend me your ear?

I promise I won't complain I just need you to acknowledge I am here

If you give me half a chance

I'll prove this to you

I will be patient, kind, faithful and true

To a man who loves music

A man who loves art

Respect's the spirit world

And thinks with his heart

I am ready for love

If you'll take me in your hands

I will learn what you teach

And do the best that I can

I am ready for love

Here with an offering of

My voice

My Eyes

My soul

My mind

Tell me what is enough

To prove I am ready for love

I am ready

I love this song it most defiantly shows how I've been feeling. I don't know when I became a fan of India Arie but her music has a way of penetrating your soul! At times her songs can bring you to tears, other times you can find the words you were looking for to describe your feelings.

I hope this doesn't become the story of my life

Through my life I've had a lot of boys (that like to call themselves men but that's another post) that were almost my boyfriend. Now I'm only 20 and I'm very bad when it comes to relationships(though I long to be in one, I'm never really comfortable when I'm in them) my mother says my communication skills are shitty I just think she doesn't listen(again another post). Its true what they say when your Not looking for love is when It finds you....or lake thereof. I was happily single sometime ago when I started talking to this "man". I call him a man because of his age(25) but the way he acted got him those " ". Now right away I told him I wasn't looking to be in a relationship, there stressful in my opinion, and we agreed to keep things light. People, aka bitches, didn't want us together anyways(I should have said fuck it when I realized then).

Now why did he ask me a couple of weeks later to be his girl??? Of course my answer was no. His reply to that was "fine I'm willing to wait around for what I want" Me "and what do you want" Him "a relationship...I like how I feel when I'm with you" Me "ummm" I mean I did like being in his company to. Sometime after this convo people started telling me to my face that they didn't want us together...I couldn't figure out why though...then one day he says its because of my mother.WTF! I should have realized then because this was his people saying this BS. But I didn't so I shouldn't have been surprised when he started acting stupid.

When I didn't pick up my phone right away he would whine. When I was to tired to hang out with him until 3am he would bitch. I should have left him alone then but now I wanted to be in a relationship with him. For some odd reason I thought I needed him. And I told him so, I also told him I felt he was being a jerk for bitching and moaning when I couldn't be with him every night until 3am, he agreed and we said we would give "us" a try. Then two days later he's saying it wont work but we can still be "friends" though. Little did I know that us being friends(In his mind) meant he was still allowed to put his head up my shirt and in between my legs anytime he wanted.

And I let him.......but the pleasure was temporary. He continued being a ass and I said Fuck it. I see now that he just wasn't good for me but it wasn't he is fault I let him treat me the way he did. He should me many times who he was, I didn't like what I saw but stayed with him anyway

There's this saying saying me Maya Angelou it goes something like "If someone shows you there true colors, believe them" Lesson learned.

Hellz Bellz

So you fashion crazy girls will know about Hellz Bellz. But did you know they had a sample sale in Soho this weekend and more importantly did you go? I did! And I can't wait for more cooler weather to were my new merchandise!! Pictures of what I bought below!

Jealous Much =p

Note: 1.Top two photo's by me the others I found by searching the Internet.

2. I also got this shirt!

Working in photoshop with old pictures!

Summer Time

Hi all!

This Summer I'm going to be doing alot of portraits for free. So if your in the New york area contact me!!

When all else fails...read a book

*Warning: Your are about to read about the nerd in me!

I haven't been reading as much as I did when I was in h.s. Reading for me was away to escape my reality.....sinking in to the words of fantasy novels and creating another world around me no matter what situation i was in. In h.s. I read just about anything..mostly fiction and mostly fantasy. Fantasy novels are, in my opinion, positive. Most of the time there's is a good and evil force with the good triumphing over the evil. Take the Harry Potter books. In ever book Harry (the good force) fights Voldemort (the evil force) and in the end some how he always win. This books helped me out tremendously when ever something made me sad I picked up a book and my imagination did the rest.

Now a days I have little to no time to read and my mind is craving something a little more grown up. Something that makes me understand this world and its inhabitants more.

Any ideas??? I'm open to anything to try anything once.

Thought I'd share.....

My favorite photo's from my walking trip around Soho, NY.



I would have stole that....bike if it wasn't chained up! =D

I'm not big on holiday's.....I alway's end up alone, sitting on my bed surfing the interweb, but I hope ever has a good weekend. Oh and will somebody go take pictures of the fire works with something beside a sidekick phone camera.

Thanks!

Pictures From Tuesday's Trip to Jersey

My older brother =D

*my brother took the last picture

Cat In A Box

Had to buy a new fan. As soon as we took it out the box the cat jumped in and won't allow anyone to take her out!

New Music

This beauty would be Ingrid Michaelson. I had heard a song of hers on someones Myspace page and didn't really pay much attention the first time I listened to it. Luckly I heard the song again.

My favorite song from her would have to be "The Way I am"

"If you were falling, then I would catch you.You need a light, I'd find a match.

Cuz I love the way you say good morning.And you take me the way I am.

If you are chilly, here take my sweater.Your head is aching, I'll make it better.

Cuz I love the way you call me baby.And you take me the way I am.

I'd buy you Rogaine if you start losing all your hair.Sew on patches to all you tear.

Cuz I love you more than I could ever promise.

And you take me the way I am.

You take me the way I am.

You take me the way I am. "

Listen to her here

Feeling...and Smelling Good!

Hi Ya'll!!

So I've been trying to figure out what to write on hear for sometime now...after all I didn't just start this blog to post my pictures...even if they are fabulous! =D

Inspiration has hit me in the form of beauty products. Now I don't mean makeup and stuff(I'm the last person to ask about that!) but lotions and lip products, things that make you smell, and in some cases, taste good!!

When I was younger I was very much a tomboy and I still have a little of that tomboy-ish to this day. Picking jeans instead of dresses and cut-offs instead of skirts, give me a thong and I'll give you a black eye! Though like any girl I like a little luxury, I just like it in the form of sticky lip glosses and silky lotions.

I love C.O. Bigelow products this root beer flavored one is one of the first ones I owned. The thing I like most is there...breath freshening benefits, I mean who want to carry mints all the time? If your gonna buy one though I say get the Chocolate flavored one. Click here for more products.

This is the Best smelling perfume ever! I would gladly soak myself in this stuff until the lovely scent is attached to me like a second layer of skin!! Sephora sells this the flirty blend along with a whole bunch of other stuff. Click here.

That's it for now people but my obsession doesn't end here!!

Laters =D

A portrait of a friend

Courtney James aka C-Murder =D